


Learning to Swim

by Cassandra1007



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bellarke, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-08-15 23:17:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8076727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cassandra1007/pseuds/Cassandra1007
Summary: Clarke suffers from anxiety attacks and guilt fueled nightmares after she kills Finn





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this was written a LONG time ago (if you can't tell from the fact that it's based around the middle of season 2). I'm using an old computer and found this still open. It wasn't even saved. After reading it I decided I might as well post it so it won't just fade away. Any comments are welcome considering this is really the first thing I've written that wasn't really story driven

She can't breathe  
_She's scrubbing the blood from her hands_  
Her head falls under the water  
_She can feel the blood from his chest sink into her skin like the knife sunk into his_  
She can't swim  
_The blood stains won't leave_  
She was never taught how to  
_He's not coming back_  
She'll never be the same  
_Ever_  
Again

When Clarke's eyes open tonight, she is alone. Alone in her thoughts. Alone in her rip tide that's dragging her out to sea. All she can do is close her eyes. Squeeze them shut and hope that she makes it back to shore. Her head rises above the water eventually. She washes up onto shore and she is still alone. Her blood is cold in her veins. She sits up and stares at her hands that will always have a red tint to them. Nothing has ever weighed her down like this. Not her father or the 47 still in the mountain. Not the 47 buried in the ground. This death -Finn's Death- is what will finally send her overboard. Maybe it's because it was the only one she caused herself? No. That was a lie she told herself. Everyone in the ground was killed by her. By her decisions. By their feelings for her. By her leadership. It just took Finn's death to let her understand that. She lays down, keeping her hands rigid at her sides as she drifts back to unconsciousness. Back to a world of tidal waves and floods.

The next day Clarke wakes up and moves mechanically. She dresses and walks out the door. She makes it to the grounder camp before she allows herself to think again. She knows she couldn't do this otherwise. She sees Raven kneeling. Stuck in the ground beside Finn. She releases her torment on Clarke and Clarke takes it. She understands that some people can't let themselves drown but can't quite swim either. If allowing the water to cover her head could help keep Raven afloat then that's what would happen. Raven flows away, carried closer to shore. Leaving Clarke at sea. Then Finn is taken away too.

The only rock she has walks beside her. Gun at his side. dark curls tangled and freckles against tan skin. Keeping her from drifting away. Sometimes she wishes that she had never allowed herself to be pulled into that lake with Finn those months ago. Looking for Jasper. Finding she could float. With Finn.

She does not expect to see Finn again. When she does she understands. Rocks don't float in the water. She understands but she refuses to let go.

Wrapped in cloth she tries to dry her ocean by setting it aflame. It only begins to boil.

                                                                           --------------------------------------------------------

Clarke almost wished it was her who received the poison.

When Finn showed her the truth, she does the only thing she can and flows with the tide. Lexa only tells her what she already knows. She must stand alone. She let's go of her rock and it bobs under the water until it sinks. Out of sight. She is alone.

That night her dreams return.

She is sinking further  
_Blood mixes with flames_  
She sees red pooling  
_The ocean is on fire_  
Sharks begin to swarm around her  
_The blood is gone now_  
She has to fight  
_She's sinking_  
Her rock is gone  
_She can't make it to the surface_  
It's not coming back  
_She can't_  
Ever

Clarke is alone. Again.

It's been weeks since she let go of her rock. Weeks since she drifted out to sea. She should have learned to swim by now. Or learned to stay above the water. Or grow gills. But she hasn't. Every night she wakes up. She can't breathe. She is sinking further and further. Every night it is harder and harder to drag herself to the shore. She feels parts of herself being lost.

When the missile destroyed TonDC, she knew that she could have stopped it. But she didn't. She wished she could blame it on Lexa. But she couldn't. She hadn't seen Finn since she told him to leave her. She hadn't seen Bellamy since she forced him away. She took solace in the few victories she had, but those didn't matter when she closed her eyes.

It got easier and easier to ignore sleep. She ate more during the day for a while to keep her energy up. That stopped too after 2 more months. It didn't matter. Not when she killed so many. Not when the blood never washed off. Not when her lungs failed to work and when they did all she got was gulps of water and blood and fire burning her throat.

Every time she dreamed it was more and more people around her. She tried to do what was right. Their blood only made the ocean deeper.

It always starts the same  
_It always ends the same_  
Floating. Swimming _._ Laughing.  
_Sinking._ _Drowning._   _Breathing in water_  
There they are  
_All alone_  
She doesn't want this to end  
_It always ends_  
Ever  
_Always_

And she always wakes up clutching something. A pillow. The blankets. Her own arms. Nails digging until red seeps from underneath them. It takes longer and longer to find her breath. At first she could manage to calm down and sleep a bit longer. Now it's all she can do to find breath by sun up.

Getting the remaining 47 and Bellamy out of Mount Weather seemed like it was never going to happen. The Mountain Men had guards all over. With only 1 radio that they rarely got to, Clarke had given up hope. She never left her tent. Sometimes Raven would come and throw food at her feet. Octavia would bring water if she remembered. Abby stopped checking in when Clarke stopped responding. Clarke was through. Clarke was over. Clarke was finished. Nothing was left but the ash of her passion. The blood of her people watering the Ground. All great fires must end and all floods must follow.

This is it  
_Feet touch sand_  
Finally  
_No more fighting_  
Sleep at last  
_No more swimming_  
"Deep breaths Clarke"  
_Only water filling lungs_  
"Clarke. Breathe!"  
_The blood and fire are gone. She inhales all the water she can_  
"CLARKE!"

Clarke opens her eyes. Wild. Searching. Gasping. Lungs that don't want to breath. A mind that does. Hands find arms. Head finds chest. Ears find heartbeat. Something to breathe with.

"Shh. Shh. Just breathe Clarke."

Clarke tries. Tears forming at her eyes for the first time since the blood wouldn't come off her hands. Clarke had finally let go. She had finally hit the bottom. There was no way out. So why? Why did she not drown?

_Breathe in_

"Good. Just like that" a gentle voice

_Out_

"I've got you" A voice filled with gravel

_I-i-in-n-n. Out Slowly_

Fingers loosen around arms. Arms remain wrapped around her withered frame. The white noise fades. Only quiet is left.

_thu-thump_

_breathe in_

_thu-thump_

_breathe out_

Clarke's eyes finally focus enough to see her surroundings through the haze of tears. Dark curls. Freckles standing out against skin too pale. A gentle hand guides Clarkes ears back to a fluttering heartbeat. Clarke adjusts

_thu-thump thu-thump_

_breathe in_

_thu-thump thu-thump thu-thump breathe out_

Clarke finds shore. Her ocean not gone, but her rock floated back to her. A rock that holds her close and whispers that it's going to be alright. A rock with soft brown eyes and strong arms that hold so gently.

"Bellamy" nearly a whisper

_thu-thu-thump_

_breathe in_

Strong hands glide along scars. Arms tense

_thu-thu-thump thu-thu-thump_

_breathe out_

"Bellamy. You're.. really here" sighed. Air returning

A short nod. Arms holding a bit too tight lower Clarke's small frame to sleep before loosening their grip. Small hands clasp around forearms splattered with freckles and dirt.

"Stay"

Another nod and rustling covers leaves Clarke free to breathe. No longer water and blood, but grass and sweat and dirt and Bellamy.

She breathes  
_She is running_  
She laughs  
_She is free_  
The smell of trees and grass and dirt surround her  
_She isn't drowning now_  
The forest protecting her  
_The shore found her_  
Always  
_It came back_


End file.
